CLOSING AND OPENING DOORS
Scott and Rick dropped me off at the townhouse. At this time, I was about to learn about another little problem that was about to explode any hope I would have about feeling better. While I was away to see my family, my partner decided that sex was the most important thing to him and had a little affair. It was clear he was only thinking about himself and he was willing to throw five years away. Trust, love and honesty were nowhere to be found in that room that day.
My life began to take on a new walk. All the old doors in my life were closing and they were closing hard and fast. Wow! Can all of this happen to one person in one day? I am sure there was a reason why but I couldn’t see why at the time. As all the doors closed, I felt there was not any use in going on and why would I want to. It was at this moment that I remembered my last dream on Prince Edward Island. I had a dream that many doors in my life would start to close, when I returned to Guelph. It was such a peaceful dream. In its place, new doors would open and my life would become one of freedom, peace and walking with the guidance of white light. The peace I felt that day was wonderful and I could not believe that it was so clear to me, what was going to happen. At the end of the pathway I was now walking, there was a bright light and it was giving me strength. This would become a new chapter in my life. The spirits were strong and I saw again my friends David and Tony. It was clear that they were going to be there to guide me on my new walk. For at least a second, my pain went away.
This had become one hell of a day. Why are all these things coming down on my life and all on the same day? I took action and ended my five year relationship fast and clean. There would be no fight. Let’s get it over. There was no time for me to waste or play games with my life. If this was what was meant to be, then, so be it. My heart was in wonder and I had become at peace with myself and what I was doing.
The list was made and things separated. You take this—I take that. I would keep Paula. She would need my care and I would need her happy little face around me for strength and compassion. Things were moving fast and it felt good. All of my friends drew close to me to help me out. I was to move to a farm, where I could live on one floor as my legs did not have enough strength to go up and down stairs.
Richard and Robert were wonderful and I could really feel that they wanted to help me out. They have become very close and I was so grateful to them for taking me into their home. This would be the answer and it was clear that I would do better living on the farm. I loved the farm and I was looking forward to living there.
Moving day felt good. Peter, Gloria, Richard, Scott, Robert and I soon packed up my things and carted them off to the farm. My strength was not good and they were giving me a hard time about overdoing it. I gave in and let them pack and move. Can you imagine I gave in? I am sure I drove them crazy, giving orders but I was sure they understood. My life was not my own anymore. It would become one ready for doctors, waiting rooms, needles, blood work, blood infusions, tests, tests and more tests. It was one to be shared with science and the wonders of it.
Things were changing very fast and I was finding it hard to keep up with the roller coaster ride, which was becoming faster and faster. This was all taking place in early August. I was awaiting the return of my dear friend and soul mate, Gloria from her stay in Vancouver. It would be good to see her again. The night she came home will be one that I will always remember. I felt at peace that she was going to be there for me as she knew what I was going through and we understood one another. Words never needed to be spoken as we read each other’s minds. Her spirits were strong and her strength, which I leaned upon, was real.
A WALKING DRUG STORE
The time had come for me to go to all my doctors’ appointments and try to make some sense of these things called MAC and AIDS. Through the month of September, I had 18 appointments with doctors in 30 days, with specialists, eye doctors, scopes, radiology at St. Mary’s and more. I would become a walking drug store. My medications for the month of October cost $1450.00. I was going to try some new treatments including the following: Mycobutin, Sulfamethoxazole, Cipro, Losec, Tylenol #2s, Beclomethasone and Triamcinolone Acetonide. The list was large and it would consume much of my time.
Dr. Genereux and Dr. Little decided that blood transfusions were needed to keep me alive. On Thursday, I would receive two blood transfusions. Waiting for the blood work to come back with results was long and a second seemed like a year. When I got the results, it was to our dismay. The blood transfusions had not worked. What was the reason why?
After further investigation, it was discovered that I was bleeding inside. I had a bleeding ulcer. Why not? Everything else was falling apart. What would make this day any different than any other I had in the past? It was serious and it needed to be taken care of right away. Another drug to take but this one would cause cancer, if I stayed on it long enough.
I must say that the ladies, who took care of me in the unit at St. Joseph’s Hospital were wonderful. The care given by them was top of the line. Blood work, blood transfusions, doctors’ appointments, waiting rooms, where was the time for me? What was my life? It had become a study and I was right in the middle of it. I was along for the ride and all I could do was go along with it.
MORE FRIENDS
I got in touch with my dear friend, Paul Cameron, who is a fellow on the same walk against AIDS. When I left P.E.I., Paul had been doing fine and he was not having any problems. When I went to see him upon my return, I was blown away to find he was not doing well. Recently, he had a piece of his brain removed and he had lost the total use of his left side. Wow! What the hell is happening to me and all of my friends? It was time for Paul to get his matters in order as well. It was good to see him. We always seem to have a little laugh, make some jokes about ourselves and draw strength from one another. It was becoming clear to both of us that our time here on earth was getting shorter and our days were numbered. This was becoming a little too much to handle and I was not sure how much more I wanted to handle. Why was everything around me falling apart? I am sure there are reasons but they aren’t very clear to me at present.
The whole gang at the AIDS Committee of Guelph and Wellington County (A.C.G.W.C.) were wonderful to me. They were in full swing, with rides to my doctors’ appointments and helping me in every way they could. The A.C.G.W.C. and my friends would become my pillars of strength and planted me on a firm foundation. I was a lucky man to have so much support around me.
When the doctors stopped my bleeding and gave me more blood transfusions, things became more stable. It was a bit of relief but I could see how fast I am going downhill. There were a lot of things I needed to complete and I wanted enough time to see them all completed. I started to work on my two memorial services. One would be held in Guelph, at the Unitarian Church and the other would be in O’Leary, P.E.I. Terry Jackman was a great help, by making sure my affairs were in order and that things would be done for me just the way I wanted them to be. It was hard for me to deal with all these matters because it made the end seem just a little closer. It needed to be done.
I wanted to rewrite my Will and leave some things to my dear friends. Paula would be taken care of, where her new home would be. I love that little dog so much. She will miss me, I know but she will be loved by her new family. Things were taking place and I needed to ensure that every detail would be in order. I had to decide whether I wanted to move to the east coast or stay in Guelph. At the point when I felt more ill, I would go home. I need to make these plans now. I planned to pack up most of my things to ship to the east coast and live on the farm near Guelph until I feel it is the right time for me to go home.
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